熊貓夜俠傳

所謂熊貓夜俠，就是本人從一個平凡的小伙子，由於每晚都沒得定時早睡而分裂出來的第二重身份。

最近.. 噢不對，應該說近年來，都沒有早睡的習慣。並不完全是自己的意願。有時候，真的是身不由己呀..

就說最近吧。

每天平均都睡不到那三個小時。功課作業老是有完沒完的向我沖。也並不是我沒有抽時間做，而是實在是太多了。

那麼，今天就不把自己寫在部落格里吧。=)

話說當時，熊貓俠在變成熊貓俠前，原名叫雪糕。

那麼變成熊貓夜俠後，他在白天時才叫雪糕，入夜後... 他就是熊貓夜俠了!

最近，雪糕和在學校里的一群同學都紛紛為了漸漸逼近的期末考和功課提交截止日期而埋頭苦幹了。

由於時間緊迫，功課繁重，這時候的雪糕都已經快被逼瘋了。

在學校里，雪糕有兩個較常混在一起的同學，一個叫‘卡到陰先生’，另一個叫‘豪仔’。

每每到了最緊要關頭，雪糕都必須要變身成熊貓夜俠，徹夜不眠地想辦法拯救他們二人。

只是，熊貓俠，往往都還是會問自己...

幫他們，救他們，到頭來，自己又得到甚麼呢？

還記得，熊貓婆婆還在人世的時候曾經告訴過熊貓俠說，做人，不要那麼地現實。有時候做東西，不一定要對方給你利益或好處，才願意幫他做。

那麼，熊貓俠也就只能咬緊牙關，盡其量地幫助他人咯...



寫到這裡，開始發現自己不懂在寫甚麼了。

思緒太凌亂了。

忙忙忙！還是繼續趕功課吧..

反正也寫不下去了。曼嘀江在臉之書（facebook）那兒要跟熊貓夜俠交換情報了。

先走。路過.....

老話

突然發現自己明白了一個道理。

其實，我是很了不起的。

真的，沒有在哈啦的意思。＝）

只是，有很多人，比我更了不起而已。

而且，我太自負了。

沒問題。有很多人，比我還要自負十倍。

媽媽剛才打來說，我是很了不起的。

只是有時候，我的憂鬱症會突然發作而已。

媽的，連我媽都開始向我投訴我的悲觀極端的個性了。

唷，那就是我。自負的我。

那麼，有人會在意嗎？

我想應該沒有吧。

這個部落格，瀏覽人數，可真是少得可悲呀~

不要緊。沒有存在感的生活，我早就習慣了。

說起這個，剛才我哥也打給我了。

唉~

被他差遣我做事情的日子，我早就習慣了。

我不能認輸。

至少...

在我達到我的目標前，我不能輸...

但是，老話一句，有人會在意嗎？

for today.

blog in english today.

hmm.. blog... it seems more like a diary to me now.

only.. its more literal. =) oh and rach said dat it is poetic too. hehe. wonder why.

now, i didnt mean to stay up till this 'early'.

just finish the last assignment on my hand.
(.. is it rili the last? hmm. anxiety kicks in again...)

oh well, what ever. =)

Mario n Luigi went to meet their family today. so im all alone at home now. well, its not daat im not used to this kinda loneliness. its just dat.. im envious.

well, things happen. just like how rachel's phone would drop into the water.. teehee. =)

hmmm. guess i'll just have to work things out myself then.

SIGH~ ... i'm missing home already.

oh btw, i was reading this brochure about 'Anxiety Disorder' just awhile ago.

i think, other than depression, i might just be suffering from what they call as GAD, generalized anxiety disorder.

the symptoms are there. too obvious. too obvious...

gosh, im crazy! =(

休息。

今天，休息一天，不寫部落格。＝）

待續。

想說，有些事情，根本不需要那麼的在意。

有時候，越在意某些事情，到頭來發現其實它也沒甚麼重要的時候，就會後悔當初為它所費了的神了。

就比如說，有些人在自己的人生當中，根本就是個過客。keyword，過客...

對於這種過客若太在意的話，那麼到頭來若發現她或他沒那麼重要時，後悔的還不是自己。

不要試圖欺騙自己說，一切都是值得的。

分分鐘，失去的比得到的更多。

又或者說，有些事在自己的人生當中，是那麼那麼的渺小的。

它很可能是一份學校里的作業，又或者是跟朋友約好了看戲卻臨時失約了...

在數年後，回頭一看，可能才會覺得後悔，當時為甚麼會為了這麼瑣碎的事兒煎熬了那麼多個夜晚。

所以重點呢，不論做甚麼事都好，只要能做到日後不會覺得後悔的話，那就好了。

後悔，內疚，慚愧，抱歉，都是不好受的。


對不起，媽媽。我是那麼的不孝。

對不起，妹妹。我是那麼的沒用。

對不起，爸爸。我已經原諒你了。

對不起，哥哥。我不能再幫你了。

對不起，女人。我傷害你們太多。

對不起，朋友。我沒有想像中好。

對不起，老闆。我讓你們失望了。

對不起，自己。我又讓你後悔了。


最近常常會開自己的部落格更新更新了。不懂是不是受了誰的影響呢。

可是，也沒甚麼特別嘛。

房間里，除了自己和冷冰冰的電腦，還有歌曲的旋律，就沒有東西跟我接觸了。

原來不管我在哪個城市，我都還是那麼地寂寞的。

算了，還是那句。

習慣了就好。=）

3/12

啊~終於做好了很久前就該做好的事了。

今天算過得不錯。最糟的事，臨時卻發生了一些事。破壞了整天下來的好心情。

漫長的一天呀~

慢著，今天還沒過完呢。

hmmm... 明天，該不該去看她呢？

猶豫當中。

算了，明天事，明天算。＝）

語無倫次

以前常常會想，為甚麼日子可以那麼地無聊。現在可好了，有夠忙的。

終於，在忙碌中，我找到了空檔補了一補我之前失去的睡眠哪。

今天，本來想自己一個人去吃午餐，怎知道，就遇見了她。

那麼，就一起渡過了一個漫長的下午。

是應該開心的嗎？ 不懂。

算了。

幸福，不是每一天都有。錯過以後要等 很久很久。 － 陳曉東，IF

back at home.

im back at home now. *sniff sniff* ahhhH~ the sweet smell of the air after the rain. =) well, it'd been a week since i came home. i can still see, nothing changed since the day i left. the ppl, the friends, the places, and the faces.. and the activity nvr changed too. been drinkin for one whole week now. think imma slow down a bit now.

back den, i missed home very much. but somehow, coming back to home makes me realize something. everything is going back now. mom's nagging, the inconvenient of not owning a car here, etc etc.

well, wished to write more but just gonna save it for next time. =)

UPDATES~

well, updates are crucial in bloggin. and here i am. phew, never knew i could come this far in song writing. guess i just have to try everything hard enuf and the end results are surely there huh? hmm.. but i'd already tried hard in most of the things in life. hm.. guess i will just have to try harder.

well, last week, i found out dat being a songwriter is harder than i thought. i was on the verge of depression. i couldnt write a proper song. luckily my self protection system saved me from eatin myself up. i went to sleep, finally, after 6 hours of 'sheep countin'~ gosh~ conclusion, i am taking this too seriously.

hmm. its exam period now. soon, i will be home. wonders what awaits me in the near future. keepin my finger crossed.

thoughts.

well. back to bloggin. hmm, come to think of it, i only blog when i have unhappy thoughts. think i should blog even more from now on, since i cant rili find anyone sit there and listen to what i have to say, regardless of the topic and the content of my story.

tonight, i finally know how homesick i am. don't you just hate it when you find out dat good times doesnt just stay still? i have alot of wish in mind. i wish to go back. i wish to go back to the perfect family back then, even though we dont have much, even though we argue alot on things that seem so puny now. i wish to have my brother back. i wish to have my father back. i wish to have my life back. come to think of it, i dont even remember how things turned this way.

now, lets talk about back den. we all like to do this, like how ppl would say ' awww, back den i could have everything i want, when im younger blah blah blah~'.

back den when i was younger i wouldnt have to worry so much. i dont have a family to take care of. i dont have to worry about the next meal, as everything is provided.

back den when i was in primary school, i dont have to worry about my studies, as i know for sure, i will score a good grade.

back den when i was in my high school, i have my friends, and those so called buddies. phew. so much on buddies.

back den, i have a complete family.

back den, i have a life.

what now?


i have a vision and a mission. but its taking too much from me. TOO MUCH! from me. i miss the days when i can be in control. seems like i lost my confidence somewhere in the flight when im migrating to KL.

i miss my father. who doesnt? but i dont think i can just go straight in his face, and tell him to start everything over again wid mommy. i just want us to go back to the time when everything is okay. can we?

i miss my brother. when can he wake up a lil? he shud be taking all the responsibility left over by daddy. where are you and what are you doing? when can u see how disappointed we are? you can make all the calls to me to ask for money. i doubt it if there will be a day where you would call to ask if i need any help on any damn thing. it would help a lot, even if u'd just called to ask.

i miss the chance to strive. i could do better in studies, i know. and i feel fucking sorry for my mother. she don't deserve to share the disappointment for what my failure. she shud be living a happy life now. and i blame myself for not being able to be there for her in times that she needs help. and i dont even know what else i can do. i am not even by her side now. what the fuck can i do? i miss her.

and i dont think my sis is old enough to handle everything. even if she's old enough, i wouldnt want her to go through what i've been through. its too much. she deserve a better life. datz y i need to work even harder.

i dont even want to touch at the part of my relationship. i doubted if i had any real relationship. yeah yeah blah blah im too young to get sprung. but still, i have feelings. alright, not gonna go there.

i miss my home. i just wanna go home. where i can sit on my couch, watch tv with everyone, and also listen to everyone's laughter. i dont wanna stay in this fucked up condo, stayin widmy fucked up room mate, while writing my own fucked up blog about my fucked up life. fuck it.

first one.

well.. as promised, this is my blog. (duh~) well, sorry it took dat long. =p

hmm.. now.. dunno what i should write off hand. it had been quite some time since i last wrote about anything. 

it had been quite a long period now since i've been outta my job from my previous company and joined my new place. phew, switchin from IT to design seriously is not an easy task to do. i need to pick up all the knowledge that i had collected throughout the years of self-studying about design n apply it here. it sucks! cause i know nothing at all! =( but wth, i gotta move on no matter what. 

now, since the beginning, i had been complaining to her about everything to her constantly, and she accepted it without any objections. well, the her dat im talking about, the guys who knows me, whey will know who im referring to. ( for those who dunno who she is, ignore this part.) well, i dunno. i appreciate all the time n care she gave me. but sometimes i feel guilty and sorry for her cause instead of happiness, i brought my stress and problems home and threw it all in her face. what a jerk i have been!

but i was thinkin lately. i was having this... strange feeling again. and everytime i have this feelin, something would go wrong. something had change between the two of us, and im not quite sure what it was. im so afraid that i might be dealing with the same case again, after a year since "that" incident. psh.. all i can say is, relationship, is a very hard thing to have. long distance relationship, is even harder. i tried. i did. and im still trying. and i wont stop trying until the day she quits. (hopefully, dat day wont be here. )