thoughts.

well. back to bloggin. hmm, come to think of it, i only blog when i have unhappy thoughts. think i should blog even more from now on, since i cant rili find anyone sit there and listen to what i have to say, regardless of the topic and the content of my story.

tonight, i finally know how homesick i am. don't you just hate it when you find out dat good times doesnt just stay still? i have alot of wish in mind. i wish to go back. i wish to go back to the perfect family back then, even though we dont have much, even though we argue alot on things that seem so puny now. i wish to have my brother back. i wish to have my father back. i wish to have my life back. come to think of it, i dont even remember how things turned this way.

now, lets talk about back den. we all like to do this, like how ppl would say ' awww, back den i could have everything i want, when im younger blah blah blah~'.

back den when i was younger i wouldnt have to worry so much. i dont have a family to take care of. i dont have to worry about the next meal, as everything is provided.

back den when i was in primary school, i dont have to worry about my studies, as i know for sure, i will score a good grade.

back den when i was in my high school, i have my friends, and those so called buddies. phew. so much on buddies.

back den, i have a complete family.

back den, i have a life.

what now?


i have a vision and a mission. but its taking too much from me. TOO MUCH! from me. i miss the days when i can be in control. seems like i lost my confidence somewhere in the flight when im migrating to KL.

i miss my father. who doesnt? but i dont think i can just go straight in his face, and tell him to start everything over again wid mommy. i just want us to go back to the time when everything is okay. can we?

i miss my brother. when can he wake up a lil? he shud be taking all the responsibility left over by daddy. where are you and what are you doing? when can u see how disappointed we are? you can make all the calls to me to ask for money. i doubt it if there will be a day where you would call to ask if i need any help on any damn thing. it would help a lot, even if u'd just called to ask.

i miss the chance to strive. i could do better in studies, i know. and i feel fucking sorry for my mother. she don't deserve to share the disappointment for what my failure. she shud be living a happy life now. and i blame myself for not being able to be there for her in times that she needs help. and i dont even know what else i can do. i am not even by her side now. what the fuck can i do? i miss her.

and i dont think my sis is old enough to handle everything. even if she's old enough, i wouldnt want her to go through what i've been through. its too much. she deserve a better life. datz y i need to work even harder.

i dont even want to touch at the part of my relationship. i doubted if i had any real relationship. yeah yeah blah blah im too young to get sprung. but still, i have feelings. alright, not gonna go there.

i miss my home. i just wanna go home. where i can sit on my couch, watch tv with everyone, and also listen to everyone's laughter. i dont wanna stay in this fucked up condo, stayin widmy fucked up room mate, while writing my own fucked up blog about my fucked up life. fuck it.