-untitled-

have loads of stuff in my mind now. i dont know..... fuck!

DRY AND DULL

DRY AND DULL

it's been awhile...

again.

well, im pretty busy with my studies and i have not much to say so i havent been bloggin for a lil while already.

but there's just something.. that i have to let it off my chest, and i find myself alone and i've got no one to share it with. not even my girlfriend. pretty pathetic huh? i guess. well i coulda just told my gf about all that, but i think it might just bore her, again. i've been potraying the image of an idiot long enough. i don't need the extra bonus to make her feel sorry for me. (eventho i know she doesnt feel that way.)

so lately, things are going pretty normal for me. nothing special, or extraordinary enough for me start a blog post. and i think this 'Normal-ness', had become a problem for me. nothing is happening. nothing is alive. nothing but the lil emo guy which lives in my heart.

the normalness caused me much trouble. well they're not rili that big of a problem, but i fear that it may lead to something bad. i don't have much to say to my girlfriend nowadays. not because we'd lost It(definitely NOT for me). just because things are too normal and dull, so dry that its not even worth a talk. or perhaps im just boring. well, she might not take this as a big o problem. to her, i guess it's just another day, another call from me, and that's it.

well, deep inside, i got this feeling, that the boredom is gonna lead to something bad, and my feelings are alway right. we used to be so close, and we talk about everything. everything is lively. im like her thoughts, and she gets my jokes all the time, and she has the cutest giggle. and now, i have to BEG her to tell me something. well, its not a big problem. how can i force someone to tell me everything? and by everything i mean EVERYTHING.

now this is the picture i have in mind.

stage 1) we are gonna run out of topics, and she wouldnt bother to tell me everything, and i became predictable. yet we call each other everyday, linger on the phone saying nothing serious.

stage 2) days goes by, she doesn't feel the urgency and importance of connecting with me anymore, since we get to do it everyday and usually eventho we call each other, we talk about nothing. nothing serious, to be precise.

stage 3) she lost the craving for me. aka she doesnt need me anymore, 'cause my existence is no longer a big deal anymore.... ok now hold up, deep inside we still love each other very much at this stage.

stage 4) waddya noe? things might get a change and we go back to stage 1. or she might just take me as a good old friend. nothing more than that. just friends. love? nah. that's so yesterday. rofl and you know where that leads to.

and so yeah. am i rili that boring? or am i just lost again? hmm.

and so lately my girlfriend told me that she told her family about me, well not exactly the entire family, excluding the parents. and so i asked, "what's the reaction of your sister?" "oh she said you are pretty lost, according to your blog." she said. LOL what? hmm. well, i shud've seen that coming. my blog is my stress journal. i put all the shit i took along the way here in my blog. that way i could list out all my stressors and find ways to cope with them. perhaps that's why i sound lost. well idk. perhaps she didn't even care. teehee.

oh well, i just wanna clarify one thing. i might sound a lil immature, and i might appear to be that way, but deep down no one knows what im thinking. im those ppl with lotsa different faces in front of different ppl. and i Love my girl very much. (i know it's cheesy, and a guy like me doesn't seem like i would say something like that, but i dont rili care, cause at least im not afraid to express myself.) i might be a nobody now, but note this, im gonna be somebody, someday.have faith in me, dear potential future in-laws.

i know i know.

im such a kid now, and i have loads of complaints. and im constantly whining about stuff. wtf im now whining about my 'Normal-ness'.. the freaking NORMAL life irritates me!!! wtf is wrong with me? i cant even write a song now. i cant think about anything fun and great to do. i cant even blog. sigh~

well before i end my blog, i have an announcement to make.... well its not rili an announcement since i dont think anyone would read my blog anyways. its just something i wanna say: my family is gonna officially move over to west M'sia! crap!! =( im gonna miss my friends, all the food, all the places i've been for hundreds of thousands of times before, and all the good ppl i'd met back there. im not sure imma be back soon, well im not gonna be back soon. not until i graduate, at least. and datz gonna take at least 3 more years. well, let's just keep my fingers crossed, and pray that everything is gonna be alright after that, and i hope my siblings are gonna see how hard my and mommy is trying to fix everything. and with all the luck we have, i think we're heading somewhere. note this, im not gonna be a KL* boi. im a Sabah*an for life.

*KL: Kuala Lumpur, the capital of M'sia; Sabah: another state in east M'sia.

what？

一次不忠，百次不用。

现在真的感受到了。

可是，我是该如何赢回一个人的信任呢？

很讨厌回家。

the last day.

its the last day of the first month of 2010. i think its time for me to recharge now. it'd been one heck of a year last year. what the heck! >.<

well seriously, the asian CNY shit is coming real soon. well i dunno, as the other half o'mine is an ABC, her family doesnt rili celebrate the day like us here. hmm. hehe. i dunno about the celebration either. all i know is, its a time for food, foOD, and MORE FOOD! and also money money money~ and also the reunion of all the kids who went around the world.

one thing about this day is, we get to shop alot, as much as u want. i mean, i can shop as much as i want anyways throughout the year. but itd been a habit for me to get myself a set of new clothes and gear. arrghh~ im not done with shopping yet! =( and the worst part is, im on the edge of overspending. and im gonna be back to kk soon. i dont wanna do my shopping there!!! =( lameshit. grrr....

oh fuck.

its the day for me to go home tomorrow. i havent pack my stuff yet, and the plan is to leave house around 8am later. datz like a few hours later. im extremely sleepy. shit. i hate this. i hate when everything is not in place. err.... i feel like shit.

well, i shud get a moving. =( ciaoz.

加油。

今天，最後一科，加油！＝）

夠力了..

再多三個小時，我就得進考場了。可是我，一點都沒有開始溫習。夠力了..

上了那麼多個星期的課，竟然才發現自己原來還不知道自己學了一些甚麼。夠力了...

都已經是期末考了，才知道自己的筆記小抄根本就不完整，搞到自己完全不懂要從哪裡開始讀起。夠力了...

在這最重要的關頭，自己竟然好像要開始生病了。夠力了...

睡了整個晚上，醒來卻覺得比睡前更累。夠力了...

還有兩科要考。夠力了...

夠力了夠力了..

慘了。

靠！今天考了第一科，只有一個感覺.. 忐忑！

竟然可以在考場突然怯場的..

真不懂下一科該怎麼考了。

空白....

很痹很痹!

今天，終於要考第一科了。整晚不睡，都只是為了讀那該死的筆記。很痹啊!!!! >.<

所以呢，現在腦子里除了筆記上寫的，甚麼都想不到了。

今晚回來才寫過。

祝我好運。

你們，我們，他們，加油！

想說...

最近，看到許多朋友們都不開心。不用我點名，你們自己知道你們是誰。甚麼因果報應啊，是你不愛我啊，遲大到啊，把簡單複雜化啊，被家人奪命追魂‘念’的啊，甚麼都有。傷得傷，哭得哭，死的死。我覺得，我真的很想幫你們，可是... 我能做甚麼呀？唱歌給你們聽啦，要不要？請你們吃糖果啦，要不要？陪你們喝酒啦？我就只會這些.. 夠失敗的。我其實很想像馬利歐那樣，管你們去死，唯一目標就是見女友，把女友當神這樣拜~ 這樣，該比較好過吧？可是.. 我不是他。i feel the pain.

人生都是會有低潮的。你們不要忘記，你們還有一個叫阿糕糕的朋友在這裡。聽起來好像很娘，可是，我是真心希望你們可以開心。開心地笑，一起喝酒，聊天，講笑話，唱歌，吹水， 甚麼屁的.. 我想我是真的喜歡上了這種活動。懷念。（哇！娘噢我！哈哈！）不過真的，很久沒有那樣了。你們加油吧。

剛剛在facebook里看到自己家鄉的一些人做了一首DIY歌曲＋MV.. 不懂怎麼的，搞得自己很不想去碰這事了。我不喜歡被比較，更不喜歡別人做甚麼我就做甚麼。如果真要做，我一定要做得比人家好一萬倍的。雖然說，我有最好的製作人，最好的音樂夥伴，最好的器材，但是，我並沒有最高超的技術和才華。那是對自己的無形壓力。人家隨便錢一砸，多少個製作人排隊幫他們做呀？我沒有音樂底子，沒有出口成章的才華，更沒有像別人那麼有本錢.. 如果真的要拿自己的東西出來讓每個人品鑑一番的話，我覺得，我會需要很大的勇氣。唉，有一種感覺一直揮散不去的。我在這條路上，好孤獨，好無助噢。可能他們會想：‘哎呀，這條路上誰不辛苦，誰不孤獨的啊？’ 可是，玩這家子東西，我只是抱著好奇，愛玩的心情來玩而已的啦。所以呢，該堅持？還是放棄？我不懂... 我很想堅持.. 因為我，真的很愛音樂。...話說回來，我現在本來就不應該煩這些的。我還有期末考呀！ >.<

對了，之前的部落格寫得有點太甚麼了.. 如果不小心開罪了哪位大哥大姐的話，小弟在此致上萬分歉意。 ..如果你不是那樣做的話，我怎麼寫也不關你事吧？哈哈。那，只是有感而發。如有雷同，關我鬼事。

本來沒有想到要寫那麼多的。寫了那麼多的廢話，抱歉。

再會。

finally final. *this and that*

gahhh! the finalsss~!! .... well, im not that nervous actually. at least i don't feel that way. well, we'd gotta figure out that exams couldn't be that bad. hmm. well, yeah! it's nothing. ... lol.. im a freak.

oh ya, apart of that, i've got myself the petville intro theme song as my ringtone. cool eh? muahaha! now i can show it off in front of ppl. muahaha!... lol.. im a freak.

hmm, met lotsa my primary school mates in fb lately. dang, time, is rili the biggest killer of cute faces. muahaha. oops, not applicable on me. im still as cute. geez, im a jerk. well, actually, im glad that i've met them up in fb actually. memories are flooding back into my mind. (well, that was just a momentary thingy.. no biggie.. ) and erm.. yeah. i added some of the girls which i secretly had a crush on back den. muaha. not a big secret anymore ey? hehe. well, they look different now. some of em are cuter now. some of em... ermm~~ skip* muahahahaha~ im a jerk. oh well, u might think, gosh, how many crushes i had back den huh? arrghh what a playa! >.< nono. it's not like dat. i could say that im quite matured already back den. it's like, i admired alot of girls back den. and den i figured out that there's nothing possible for us at that age. so i kinda like gave up on em. just admiring. still admiring. =) matured huh? hehe. im a freak.

oh well, recently, my roommate mario went to penang island again, and so im all alone here in my room. well, honestly, i don't feel lonely. instead i feel good during his absence. muaha. well, i do hope he is having a great time there wid his new found love. ewww~ hahaha im a jerk.

sigh. everything is peaceful nowadays. which makes me even worried. well you know, the opposite of good luck is always bad luck. and the opposite of peace? GAHH!! it felt like im waiting for the bad things to come. guess i shud just relax and enjoy what i have now.

aww, i received the package from my baby rachel a few days ago. and in the box, there's lotsa snacks and a sweater. the sweater fits perfectly eventho she was just guessin what size i was wearing. nice one! hehe. such a pro now. and the sweater even have her perfume on. its not like she put it on the sweater on purpose.. long story. =) but anyways, the main point is, it smells good!! now i can imagine how good she smells hehe. arghh i sound like a perv. hehe. anyways, i'd tried the combos pretzels that she sent me. dang aint it good! lol. and i finished em. hmm.. ='( im gonna miss em combos. craving for more. as a conclusion, im a happy lil kid now. muahahaa.

i've been thinking about this one issue lately. kids, yes, KIDS who have problems with their so called 'LOVE' life. yup. thats, what i am thinkin about. well i dunno. i have one thing that i just have to say to em. STOP FUCKING WITH LOVE LIKE YOU RILI KNOW WHAT LOVE MEANS! you see, every now and den, i will come across ppl, mostly girls, who will say how burnt they are bcoz of love and so on. you see, fuck that! typically they will give you the S.O.S.. no, not Save Our Souls. its the Same Old Story. boy meets girl, girl meets boy, a few nice txt msgs, some phone calls, and they are 'said' to be going out together dy. and perhaps in between there are times where they would hang out together, well, u know, movies and dinner and all that shit.. den time goes by. some thing went wrong and they are so to say FORCED to break up, or the guy would dump the girl or vice versa. and the next thing u know they will publish their sadness to the mass audiences in the friend circle. its like adveritising to everyone that ' hey, im sad, and im available. see how loyal i am if i were wif someone? this is how hard i will cry if i lose feeling of love bla bla~ so come and hit me~ ' WTF. and the next thing u know, they will be meeting some other person again. FUCK! that is wrong. and the story keeps repeating itself. sigh. kids nowadays. what's more, some of em are even committed to the level of having premarital sex. well, im not opposing premarital sex. im just worried. what if i have a daughter in the future? and how would i be able to control who she have sex with? what if there those sexually transmitted diseases? what if she's pregnant? it would be kinda fucked up lol. aww anyways. im just saying. love, isn't about just getting together and holding hands. kissing and huggin. txt msging and long chats on the phone. those are just the fundamentals. ...... snap!* [the gesture of waking from a long sleep] wha..what am i talking about?gosh.. what happened? xD well, no offense, just expressing.

well, i guess that's part of growing up. which is getting fucked up in life for the so called love. im sure in this very moment, this very minute, some girl is blogging about how happy they are in their new found relationship. ughh~ time to wake up, BITCH!

see, im aware of all this. i hate it. but im still doing it too. i love my baby boo. =) so yeah. ironic huh? teehee. im a freak.

oh oh, its mom's bday 2 days ago. so yeah, happy bday mom!too bad i cant be there with em. grr.oh thanks for my bro in law for taking care of the bill for the dinner for me. i shud be doing that. hehe.

well, i still have alot in mind. but i dont think i would wanna make my post too long. its rather confusing. =p

so yeah, until next time, im matthew lin, signin off. =)

考試。

考試要到了。 結果呢，我始終還是被罷考了。悲啊~

考試要來了。然後自己又在忙籌備DIY專輯。歌都寫不出了。煩啊煩啊~

考試要死了。我一點都還沒有開始溫習呀。然後我也重來沒上過課。活該也。

考試。靠死。